I continue my journey as Ian ‘Feeling Lucky’ Punk (I swear this joke isn’t getting old for me) and come across another door, which of course I explore. I mean, there isn’t really anything else to do in a dungeon. The door slams shut behind me. I suspect this won’t be the last time that happens in this place. I receive a magic gold ring.
I then come to a column of light containing disembodied faces laughing maniacally.
Sure I’ll walk through it. What could go wrong? Doing so gives me a poem containing advice.
More events transpire and I acquire a dagger, run away from a giant fly, fall down a pit, find a ruby, talk to a nice old man, reach section 100 (nothing special happens) and section 87, which reads only ‘The door opens into a large room. Turn to 381’, making it fairly pointless. I suspect it’s only there to make the total number of sections 400 rather than 399.
In this room there’s a skeleton with a sword and a piece of parchment in its hand. I know what’s going to happen but I can’t resist the temptation. The Punk is feeling lucky (still not old), so he touches the parchment.
The skeleton jumps up and attacks but I somehow manage to defeat it without being too badly mauled. Winning earns me a map and some more bad poetry. This map has a room with a large monster drawn in the middle. I’m sure that will be really useful, thanks. The middle of the room, not the edge.
I find some mushrooms and don’t eat them. Really, how could that be a good idea? I peek at the section where you eat them and sure enough there’s an amusing death by being magically inflated until I can’t move.
Note 7: Include amusing deaths when the reader does stupid things.
Next up two goblins attack me at once. Sheesh, it’s like this book wants me to die. My adventures have made me cynical and I can’t object to looting any more, so I steal the goblins’ mallet and iron spikes.
Now, which door should I take? (I’ll do you a favour and not link to Rebecca Black’s Friday here). East. I haven’t been killed for a while but I’m sure a death is lined up for me somewhere. Not in the next room, though, that gets me a luck point and two pieces of topaz. This place isn’t so dangerous really. You know, if you cheat.
A mirror demon walks up to me slowly, arms outstretched like a Dr Who villain, but my magical ring grants me a wish and saves me. It seems I can use it to banish the demon to another dimension but not to wish my way out of this place and into a life of luxury. I could wish for world peace, damn it.
I’m nearly dead, yet section 277 tells me that I decide to investigate a couple of dead bodies. Who’s in charge here, anyway?
Then I meet one of the other contestants, a barbarian, but decide not to join him. Ian’s trusting nature has been destroyed and I go east, alone. This leads to a dead-end and a piece of paper saying ‘beware the trialmasters’. Apparently I don’t tear up this piece of paper, unlike the one at the start of my adventure. Perhaps I’m feeling guilty? Or maybe it’s because I’m now Buddhist.
I catch up with the barbarian, probably a little embarrassed. We reach a pit and he offers to lower me into it at the end of some rope. Well, I didn’t trust him before and I’d like to make up for that. Also, if he tried to kill me
A) he might fail, as the pit may not be very deep.
B) he won’t find out what’s at the bottom of the pit.
C) he would be a very bad person.
I allow him to lower me into the pit. He tells me his name is Throm and we become firm friends. Aww.
Note 8: Making the reader interact closely with another character is interesting.
I read a couple of books, one of which tells be about the evil Bloodbeast, which is fairly ominous, and the other of which contains a potion that makes me lucky, as if I wasn’t already lucky enough. This has the same problem as note 3, as I’m told that the potion helps me to detect traps.
And then I’m killed by a cave troll.
Note 9: Dying in fight this way is very unsatisfying. You don’t even get a paragraph about your death, you just lose.
How will Ian get out of this mess? How will he refute death a third time? Well, truth is, he won’t.
Enter the Mysterious 6th Contestant, Average Joe. He’s been following Ian all this time. He takes Ian’s stuff, but unfortunately not his luck, which may mean that his adventure doesn’t last much longer.
Average Joe’s Profile:
Provisions: 9 (he hasn’t needed to eat any really but he got a bit peckish and ate a Mars bar earlier)
RIP Ian ‘Feeling Lucky’ Punk
Loving son, grandson, great-grandson, bloke you walk past in the street
‘Third time’s the charm, unless it involves me dying. Then I die properly.’
Last words: Troll in the dungeon!
The adventure will continue soon. Hopefully next time I’ll find more stuff to learn from. The lessons this time was mostly the same as in part 1…
- The Adventures of Ian ‘Feeling Lucky’ Punk, Part 1: The Adventure Begins (and ends twice) (lemonmachine.wordpress.com)
- The Adventures of Ian ‘Feeling Lucky’ Punk, Part 2: More Death (lemonmachine.wordpress.com)